CAREER OPPORTUNITIES

Proof reader for football club programme. The ideal candidate should have: two eyes; Junior Cert English (or equivalent); a modicum of common sense; and the ability to spot monumental mistakes on a regular basis. Attractive remuneration package for the successful candidate. Apply Box No. 1895, Dublin 9.

Jaded hack wanted for evening newspaper. Respected title. Must be able to trot out cliché after cliché, and work to a deadline. Write a five hundred word essay about sitting in the pub with George Byrne. Send to A.J.’s Organ, Middle Abbey St., D. 1.

Able young person needed to go to Foxhunter pub in Lucan to collect my stash on a weekly basis. Phone Liam 086 9876543 086 3456789 087 7654321 086 1234567.

Colour blind person wanted. Busy man with no time on his hands needs tasteless person to spend stupid money on scaldy clothes. Apply to Steve Collins’ Brother, The Big Kip, Phibsboro, Dublin 7.

Cork-based football club require any old gobshite (preferably English) to make a bollocks of any chance we might have of winning something. Attractive salary for the unproven candidate. Ask about our summer jobs. Apply to the British Embassy, Cork.

Wanted: Professional person to sit on numerous panels on how to ignore the League more efficiently. Position will involve liaising with RTE, many journalists, and Paddy and Jimmy, the barstool reps. Apply to: The House of Egos, Merrion Sq., Dublin 2.